HOW I UNDERSTOOD TO BE GAY

Understanding of being gay ... My real problem for at least three years was just that. Until 17 I felt straight, not very enthusiastic in chasing after girls, I had to stand them more than anything else, but there I was and I didn’t refuse girls, and girls sunned after me sometimes, I believe I’m a nice boy and some girl always wanted to be my friend.

At school all my classmates wanted badly to go to dance, especially on Saturday evenings to a disco. Sometimes I went too, between 17 and 18, but going to dance for me meant only going to dance and nothing else, for other guys things were different, they went there to be able to hide somewhere with girls, even without doing anything wrong, or perhaps no, who knows, perhaps I’m naive. I went there and didn’t dance, almost never. When I had to embrace some girl I tried also to keep her distant from “there”.

All these things could make me understand how things were, but nothing like that happened and I understood later why. A that time I went to Church a lot (and now I’m in crisis from this point of view but then everything was different), at that time I didn’t even think I was gay, that is, is not that I was thinking about the problem deducing I was straight, It wasn’t a problem at all for me. It was obvious that I was heterosexual. I didn’t feel gay temptations at all, I know that it seems absurd, but didn’t happen at all. I have read on this forum about getting hard and masturbating for a friend.

Today I know what it means but then such things never happened to me. That little amount of sexual fantasies that I was doing where only about girls, because everybody used to do such things about girls. So to say, then I sublimated everything, more or less, I masturbated but thinking about girls even if it wasn’t an exciting thing. But look. At that time, even showering with my friends in the pool was nothing at all for me. It was a pride for me having my sexuality reduced to a minimum.

When I went to confess, sometimes at least, I hadn’t even to tell that I masturbated because I wasn’t addicted to that and I felt very proud. You can say: "Then how did you live?" Practically all sports, school, volunteering ... In short I was a swimmer almost for national selections, not exactly but very close to it and for me those things were important, I spent entire afternoons in the pool and my coach considered realistic the idea of sending me to the Italian championships and this thing was very gratifying for me. .. Do you know what a training level for swimmers like me is? .... Then I added the study, because I was also very good at school and such things made me feel perfect. Teachers at school told me that I was great, the coach told me that I could go to national games, priests told me I was doing very well avoiding masturbation ... you understand, I could feel the perfect guy model.

Only my father, sometimes, I think, was a little perplexed, but not that I was gay, that I simply had set aside my sexuality to devote myself to other things. Dad tried to tell me that in life there are other things, certainly he meant girls, but not even nominated, I answered I had many other things to do and that I was thinking a lot about girls. And I was really convinced of thinking girls.

In short, things went on like this up to 19 y. o... Then I signed up for engineering and at engineering department I met Stephen and there our story began. After the first days of class I see that there is a serious guy, a little like me, always taking notes, who does not go out during the intervals and is always there studying his book, a guy who doesn’t use to get acquainted with other guys or to lose time ... I notice him, yes, but just notice... then something unpredictable happens, the analysis teacher explains Heine-Cantor theorem doing this premise: "I’ll explain it but you won’t understand anything at all!" For me, like I was at that time, such things ware like a glove challenge.

I had to understand the Heine-Cantor theorem. I work the utmost commitment; approximately, I can also understand the general meaning but did not understand precisely why it was something important and could have a practical utility. The day after, Stephen approaches me (blessed be the Heine-Cantor theorem!) And tells me: "But did you understand the theorem that the teacher explained yesterday?" Look, for me that question had not in any way flavor of a personal approach; it was only a request for explanations about a theorem of analysis. I have tried to master to him from what I understood but Stephen replied objections to which I did not know how to answer and I ended up smiling and enlarging my arms as to say: "Well ... perhaps I didn’t understand anything at all!”

When next lesson begins he remains seating next to me, but I don’t even notice. Then at the end of the lesson he tells me: "Do we try to understand how it works?” I say yes and we spend the whole afternoon on the Heine-Cantor theorem, slowly the issue clarifies and at the end we feel the thing pretty simple. In the evening when we say bye we tell each other that next day we were going to ask the teacher whether or not what we understood was right. In the evening, at home, I newly studied the theorem and next morning after class we asked the teacher and he told us that the meaning was exactly what we had understood. I felt radiant ... but only for the Heine-Cantor theorem.

In the following days, Stephen thought that we could study together because we were serious guys who don’t like waste time and we began to study together. I would like to underline that we only studied, not even a word about other subjects, we were too taken with the idea of passing all examinations at the first session, and for us that was the first goal. In practice we have only studied until the end of examinations and we passed all exams and all with 30/30 and it wasn’t easy at all. We felt in ecstasy, but next day I missed a lot the study with Stephen ... and I think the same happened to him.

He called and told me ... what do you do today? My answer: nothing! so we met in the early afternoon but we had nothing to do, we talked all the afternoon, I fully Catholic, he just the opposite but respectful, political ideas were not very different, then we talked about books, cinema, songs, teachers, high school and many other subjects, but never about girls or sex. I then didn’t notice at all such things but later I understood ... When we are going to say bye I ask him about his plans for the next day, he offers me an exhibition on Impressionists and I agree.

Next morning, after the exhibition, about which he knew everything more than an art history teacher, we go to eat something at fast food restaurant and then we walk around the city. Together we are good. We are two friends walking in a beautiful July afternoon. In short, things went so for about half a summer.

My parents in August go to the mountains for three weeks; I use to go with them. I ask Stephen what he’s going to do in August, he asks me: "And you?" I say, instinctively: "I’ll stay here ..." and he tells me: "I too!" I feel happy. When I go back home I say to my parents that I have to stay at home. My father tells me only: "But don’t’ be mad with books!" At that moment for the first time I realize that I have skipped three weeks in the mountains to stay with Stephen. Several days after he told me he did exactly the same to stay with me.

When my parent were away, Stephen used to come to my house, sex was miles from us, either to him or to me, we were happy to be together, talking, cooking, relaxing and telling each other prudently about our lives. In those afternoons we began to talk about sex: two heterosexual friends who talk about sex, he tells me at the beginning of his two girls and I tell him of my adventures, so to say.

Then our confidence became slowly more and more and he told me that, however, he was not enthusiastic about sex, I told him that for me was just the same and then we discussed with a greater freedom. For me, but I think even for him, it was an incredible sense of liberation talking freely about sex, although in fact we spoke nevertheless much more trough allusions than directly, but substantially our talking was serious. Neither he nor thought to be gay, we were two straight not enthusiastic guys, that was all.

Then Stephen was entirely blocked, the fluency of the previous days seemed to disappear, he came to my house but didn’t like to stay at home but wanted to leave the house to go around the city, not talking about us but just about books and exhibitions. ... I had had enough of it ... but I did not say anything.

One evening, when he left, he tried not to give me an appointment for the following day; he was formal, and never happened before. I put him on the spot, I saw that he was embarrassed and he told me: "Come on, I'm not going to talk about it ... don’t worry, I’m not down on you ... "and he left. I was there in all my discomfort, I didn’t know what to think, I called him on the phone, he replied very short messages, then closed the phone but I didn’t let him go, at the end he told me: "Okay, I’ll come tomorrow, you’re right you have to know ... "

The next day came, he was stressed, asked me not to interrupt and in very few words told me that he thought he was in love with me but the situation seemed absurd to him because he never fell in love with a boy, what instead was happening . I then still thought I was heterosexual and I replied as I thought a good heterosexual boy should reply to a gay friend of his in such a situation: "I am sorry but I cannot agree because I am heterosexual ... I like you but... "He didn’t even let me end my phrase and he left saying that he was tired and didn’t even bear to stay there ...

When he left I felt a violent feeling of emptiness, I was a few minutes shocked ... then I went racing at the bus stop where he had to take his bus, I saw him get in but didn’t join him in time ... I felt death ... I said to myself: "But I love this boy ... I don’t know about sex factor, but I can’t live without him ... "I sent a text message:" I love you ... now I understand!"He called me and told me: "Is it true?”I said:" I went racing to reach the stop I saw you get in and leave but I was not able to reach you in time and I was going to break down and cry ... I can’t do without you, without you I die ... don’t put me down this way ... I love you, Stephen ... I love you ...", and he said, stay there at the bus stop I’ll arrive in minutes. And he closed the phone ...

Ten minutes later I saw him arrive racing and panting ... We embraced crying in the middle of the road. Do not think that we went home to have sex, to get there; it took more than a month. He wanted us, both, to do test for AIDS and then our relationship was characterized by a form of mutual shyness, hesitation, a little as Project says.

Now we are together for a year, we passed all examinations also of the second year ... I think that without Stephen I would never have understood to be gay. Now we have our whole sexuality but it’s too private and I’ll keep it private. I just wanted to say that there are many ways to feel gay and perhaps there are so many ways of being gay that it is difficult to understand them completely. Thanks to all and to Project in particular.

______________

If you like, you can participate in English in the discussion of this post open on Gay Project Forum:

http://progettogay.forumfree.net/?t=31319785

GAY GUYS AND GAY SEX

As usual the analysis of access keys to my websites gives me concrete arguments for reflection. I have chose some fairly typical. Among the access keys used by parents probably some are worthy of attention, alongside the classics "Parents of gay children" "Accept gay children" I find also: "Discover the child who masturbates" "My son masturbates what do I do?" The use of these keys for access, far from awaken a smile, should be taken very seriously. In this case a parent worries not about the homosexuality of his son but that the boy masturbates. The use of the verb "discover" is indicative of the sense of surprise of the writer, but beyond the discovery one wonders how to behave. Speaking about boys (son), a key access like those mentioned, used by a father, would seem absolutely incredible, because I do not think that an adult man might wonder about the idea that his son masturbates. If, as I think, these access keys are used from mothers, I can only infer that these ladies have not the slightest knowledge of male sexuality. In this sense, their attitude may be entirely ruling and not informed and can produce not small trauma for children. Let me note that the wonder of the parent who is surprised that his son masturbates is exactly symmetrical to that of the son who discovers that parents have a sex life, but while everybody can understand the dismay of a very young boy we cannot justify the puzzled attitude of the parent. The sexuality of a guy, especially if young, finds the most obvious achievements in masturbation. The privacy of a guy who masturbates must never be disturbed for any reason, much less by a parent. For a boy, being surprised in the act of masturbating is a terrible, traumatic experience, especially if the discovery by the parent is accompanied by signs of concern. A guy, now adult, told me that he was surprised by his father while masturbating and that wasn’t particularly traumatic for him, but the scene was designed more or less like this: the father comes in the room while the child is masturbating, apologizes, closes the door and leaves and, later, makes no reference to the fact, when the father sees his son embarrassed tells him: "look everybody does masturbate!" and the story ends there. No parent can seriously expect to meddle in these things that are absolutely private affairs of children. Very different, and much more delicate is the question of the relationship of parents with gay children, especially when it gay children made their coming out outside the family. I must underline that a group, usually fed, of readers comes to my sites with keys like this: "Tell parents to be gay" "Tell parents to be homosexual" "Coming out homosexuality parents" or even "Gay boys worked over by parents" Yesterday evening it happened to me to chat with a guy 21 y. o ., a serious guy, not chasing easy sex but friendship through chat (which is certainly not the best place to find gay friends). He said that friends know nothing about his sexual orientation, if they knew they would drop him immediately. He hasn’t the courage to tell his parents that he’s gay, because his father would react violently, and every time you talk about gay he manifests a terrible aggressive attitude. Even at 21 y. o., therefore, gay guys are afraid to come out with their parents. This is not exceptional ... it’s the rule. But a boy becomes aware of being gay much earlier than 21 y. o.. A group of access keys, probably coming from very young boys, indicates the uncertainty about being gay and understanding exactly what being gay means. " What age boys discover to be gay? " "How can I understand if I’m gay" "How understand if a guy is gay" Another group still indicates the need to find a comparison on the first gay experiences and the possibility of a heterosexual love. "I discovered to be gay" "Stories of boys who discover to be gay" "Stories of first gay experiences" "Friend's love of the same sex" "Homosexuality in schools" "Why am I in love with a heterosexual?" "Love between a boy and a heterosexual guy" "I gay, he heterosexual" Another group of access keys is about finding "not dangerous" contacts with other gay guys. "Chat for gay boys" "How to trust gay sex meetings in chat" Very often the loneliness of younger gay children takes them to the gay chats and here the speech is very delicate, not only because the soliciting of non legal boys through chat is criminally sanctioned, but even apart from this aspect, chats are a very special world . In the chats I found even very young boys (if they were really) so immediate with obscene proposals that I think very clearly that it was prostitution. As you do, this things will remain anyway. I would rather consider the guys (almost all legal) who seek sex on the net. Some of them have certainly nothing to do with prostitution but clearly aim to sexual activity usually without a direct meeting, but via webcam, in a way that is very risky, because movies can be recorded, and I think that they really are in many cases. Consequences can range from the publication on porn sites to real forms of blackmailing, when you meet people so naive to be recognizable. So I advise in the most absolute anyone sailing in the chats not to use webcam ... that are dangerous especially with unknown people. In chat you usually receive a call that begins with the question "got a webcam ?"... Caution! Obviously the same goes for the exchange of photos. But let’s come to the only written chats, which are those that I care about most. Many proposals for sexual contacts, that can be obtained on these chats, are not aggressive, are colloquials, there is a little dialogue and even not so stupid sometimes. Indeed I meet in chat guys in search of sex that aren’t surely typical good guys. Usually they aren’t very young boys, but between 20 and 24 y. o. ... they are polite, educated, before closing a brief conversation with me, that declare my age immediately, they feel obliged to chat a little with formulas such as "hello, was a pleasure to meet you." With some of these guys I was able to make a serious conversation even a quarter of an hour. I wonder why these guys go to seek sex on a chat. In theory it could be more adequate to seek emotional contacts with guys known in real life .... but evidently it is so difficult that the option of chatting is the only practicable. All this dismays me. Essentially all good things these guys could find in real life, in fact, are utopia, while a little chatting or a little sex online are concrete realities. Generally guys seeking gay sex in a moderate chatting hare no more than 25/26 y. o., when you meet older guys (few, but there are) the conversation becomes more serious, more personal and adult contact, you may experience a true dialogue also not very short and you can also find a real will of not superficial comparison. Typically, around 25 y. o. a gay guy has found his balance, more or less precarious but it has found it, and the search for sex chatting becomes marginal. The image of the gay planet that comes out of the chats is quite varied and, in any case, refers to very young age groups, accustomed to the use of Internet and to a more uninhibited interpersonal contact. For now I will stop here.

______________

If you like, you can participate in English in the discussion of this post open on Gay Project Forum:

http://progettogay.forumfree.net/?t=30922762

GAY LOVE AND COMING OUT

Hello Project,

I wanted to tell you my story and I would like to know what you think, bellow there's my contact, if you like chatting with me just a little.

Call me Mark, it’s not my real name, but everybody calls me this way, because I don’t like my real name, I’m 21 y. o., live in a big city, and study physical education sciences, I study subjects related to sports because I practice sports and I’m an athlete at competitive level and also with excellent results. That is, even though I know that the career of a player and in particular specialties that I practice ends very soon, I’d like to remain in the world of sports because it is my real world and because I really feel at ease there. I sport since I was a young boy; the gym is my second home or even the first, because I spend more time in the gym than at home.

But I come to the point. Until last year I have not thought much about sex. I had to attend school, then university and had mainly competitions that for me were very important. In practice until last year, but I would say all last year if not beyond, even in January, February 2008, for me sport was only sporting activity. I never felt embarrassment in the locker room or showering with other guys and I did also some sexual joke and sometimes I was also the victim of such jokes but absolutely no problem, indeed I always liked a lot the free locker room environment because we play a little there and I like well such things, but from the beginning of March, that is from a very short time, things have really changed. Do not ask me why and if there is a good reason, I thought so but I have not been able to discover one. You have understood! I started to realize that in the locker room there were other naked guys and I began to worry about. I had never noticed that my mates where naked in the locker room or in the shower for me all that was always absolutely normal, but, let's say, by March I started to notice them. For them nothing had changed at all but for me it was very different, I was aware of that, I was interested, in short, I was studying my mates and beginning to think how would have been nice if those guys were in love with me. Outside, I continued to behave more or less as before even if I was beginning to have problems controlling the erection, which in the locker room and showers is not a little taboo, so that it’s the hallmark that you are gay. You do everything to avoid erection and you are worried because you don’t understand how other guys could take such things. The result of all this: I spend in the locker room just a minute and I try to be dressed as much as possible, but then the moment of truth arrives and then anxiety comes. Virtually I’m at ease with my being gay, I had virtually no problem, and although I had never had a girl in the truest sense of the word, but just little stories, that I have never taken seriously, in practice I have only taken note of what I knew already. But when you're gay and live in places like those where I live, that is in the midst of athletes that are not all beautiful how people think even if among them there are really those very sexy, well, inside you feel a certain agitation. I read that many young men seek meeting sites or gay chats, I never did such things, for me the gym is everything also from this point of view, I would have practically no need to seek sex photos on the net because I am among guys when and how I like. My real problem is another, that is to understand if among the guys I like there are gay guys because I’d never fall in love with a straight guy making a poor showing and being teased. I'm also having problems about sport performances, my trainer says it often and asks me why, but I can’t tell him how things really are. Another thing. Do not laugh: I never had any gay experience; I never made sex with anyone. Now I think I’m not really in love, because as Project says: to fall in love it’s necessary to be two, and then I’m not missing sex in the true meaning of the word, when It happens I do what everybody does, but I don’t like to get involved in troubles to make sex with a guy that I don’t know and don’t even know if he’s healthy, for such stuff count me out. Now, I can say, I’m alone just in the sense that I don’t have a boyfriend. I premise I don’t even have gay friends, I found the Project’s gay blog on Google and I was amazed by the monstrous amount of material that it contains. I built my little knowledge on gay issues on that blog but not only by reading the posts (I can read Italian) but also the comments, then I discovered the forum, first I didn’t notice it, but it’s also a mine. And I read a lot of very interesting posts, but I have not had the courage to enroll. Now, speaking honest, I think that sooner or later I will make some big poppycock in the gym, to tell the truth there is a guy who attracts me very much there. I’m now his coach, he is in a group entrusted to me, 19 y. o., he’s younger than me, but I’m 21, not 50. He’s really beautiful and then we shower together every day, in short, you understand, I like everything of him. With him I behave in a casual and friendly manner, as I do with the other guys, but with others I am spontaneous, with him no, we talk so much, both before and after the shower, he trusts me completely and considers me just like a brother. He has to graduate in days, just a couple of weeks ago he was very sad, we waited to talk and he told me that the mathematics teacher called him unexpectedly and graded him badly and said that he could never pass the examination. He had studied a lot but that the teacher was just a piece of shit that would have done everything to put him in trouble, because he had it in for him, at some point his eyes became red and he was going to cry. I wanted to embrace him, I wanted to keep close to tell him that I loved him but I felt frozen and I didn’t move at all, I saw in his eyes just two tears that torn my soul, he was ashamed and dried tears with hands. I told him that last year I lost a very important medal for two hundredths of a second and later, when no one saw me, I started crying like a fountain. Then there has been training and I cuddled him a lot and he was happy for all this attention, then in the shower I had the impression that he almost tried my eyes, that is he was trying to understand if I observed him and I think he understood, when we left he waited to speak with me but in another way, at least I had the impression that it was in another way, he looked into my eyes more directly and smiled, I thought that he wanted an encouragement but I didn’t anything. It is true that with me he has talked about girls but this does not mean anything. My anxiety is now only about is being gay or not? To tell the truth it’s as if I had the premonition to be on the verge of being involved in some ugly mess and that’s why I try to treat him well, but without going beyond and indeed I take care also of other guys, but I should say rather I pretend to take care of those guys trying to get reed of his image that is always in front of me. I study all the ways to stay with him as long as possible, without looking too much interested and when it’s possible, I do whatever I can, to avoid to meet him, in practice now we talk only when it is he that calls me but I never take the initiative. But when he asks me, I show me very excited. Today in the shower I looked and noticed he had an erection, but most likely one sees what he wants to see. Shit! I can’t stand that no more! But why should I fall in love with a guy and not have the courage to speak openly! What could happen? I don’t know. In practice I think that he never got the suspicion that I’m gay, or perhaps yes, I don’t know what to think, but it is an unbearable stress. Want to laugh? Well I think he is heterosexual and that is fine with me because for him there are no complications of any kind about sex and he thinks that this is the case even for me. So I am condemned to this eternal torment of not knowing how to behave. If things go on like that and he doesn’t freeze me with something extraordinary, like seeing him kissing a girl or joking stupidly on gays, well, I believe that I will make the madness, I tried many times to prepare the speech but I think that at the end I would be trivial and very direct, such as: "I am gay and you?" And at this point he jabs me in the face or I looks upset. Sometimes in the locker room I feel like I’m sex maniac and sometimes I even feel guilty over the guy who I like best because in fact I am cheating him and I hate to cheat him, and that could well be one of the fundamental reasons for making the big step and tell him how things really are.

A hug,

Marc

P. S. if you publish this mail, we’ll see what guys think.

__________

If you like, you can participate in English in the discussion of this post open on Gay Project Forum:
http://progettogayforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=116&start=0

MASTURBATION GAY SEXUALITY AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION

MASTURBATION GAY SEXUALITY AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION

I was asked repeatedly to speak in the most simple and at the same time most explicit way about psychological problems related to the various stages of sexual development of a gay boy. I’ll try to do so taking into account only two topics: sex identity and masturbation, with the premise that I am not a doctor or a psychologist, although I spend my days talking and chatting with gay guys of all ages and often we talk about issues related to sexuality, then I will appeal only to my experience in this activity.

THE DISCOVERY OF MASTURBATION

The masturbation is the voluntary act of touching yourself in order to give you pleasure and reach orgasm.

The age of first fully aware masturbation in the vast majority of cases is between 10 and 15 y. o.. Although in many cases the boy knows of masturbation by the stories of fellow schoolmates and friends, many boys still discover masturbation incidentally, that is quite random. The boy starts getting comfortable with his genital organ in several ways: he observes the erections, and touches it, initially just to wash or to pee. With the habit of manipulating his penis he finds that he can easily give himself pleasure. The manipulation of the penis, which is pleasant, proceeds automatically until the discovery of orgasm.

At 15 y. o. almost all the boys practice masturbation. Between 13 and 17 boys masturbate more than once a day. The frequency of masturbation falls slightly with age, for kids who do not have a sexual partner, and rarely falls below 20 times per month.

There is no difference in masturbation technique between heterosexual and gay boys. There is instead a profound difference between heterosexual and gay boys regarding the sexual fantasies that help to maintain the erection during masturbation. Heterosexual guys think intensely to girls, gay guys think intensely to another boy. It is precisely for this reason that masturbation leads gradually to gay boys awareness of being gay.

Generally boys feel masturbation as something very pleasant and at the same time forbidden, to be done with the utmost secrecy and of which they can’t talk at all. For a boy, be caught by his parents while masturbates is one of the most terrible humiliations. These attitudes, often complicated by moral formalism and religious influences, contribute, unfortunately, to spread negative ideas about masturbation. But masturbation is an important manifestation of sexuality that will accompany a boy for life and will not be set aside, however, when other kinds of sexual intercourse will appear, but will interact with them. Learning to know your body and its reactions can give you many ideas to live better the couple sex.

The condemnation of masturbation as a grave sin by the Catholic Church deserves a particular reflection [Catechism of the Catholic Church. 2396 "Among the sins gravely contrary to chastity, should be cited masturbation, fornication, pornography and homosexual practices."] The formula used by the Catechism is without appeal. The boys who attend church regularly tell the priest in confession that they masturbate, using usual formulas, one classic: "I have sinned against purity." The priest proceeds (often in a very mechanical way, to ask how many times, whether alone or with others, then repeats the usual formulas of condemnation of masturbation and requires the penitent (or alleged such) a commitment in order to avoid it. Penitent proves repentant and is acquitted. In reality this is a false repentance, the boy will quickly return to the masturbation and will do it as much as possible before the next confession (because “now purity is lost”). Then the boy goes back to confession and the cycle restarts. The result is a strong push toward the hypocrisy from the church who knows how things are, that repentance is not repentance and that the mechanism aims only to surreptitiously induce feelings of guilt that keep the boy in a state of subjection. Many priests do not even consider masturbation a sin and thus get the result to keep the boys linked to the Church. Other priests fight real crusades and so create for the most sensitive boys situations of enormous stress, feelings of guilt deep conditioning and inhibitions against sexuality. For many boys the Church's position regarding masturbation is a cause of deep suffering.

What we described above has quite different contours when the boy is gay.
Because the Church not only condemns masturbation but directly and without appeal homosexuality [Catechism of the Catholic Church, Art. 2357 Homosexuality designate relations between men or women who experience sexual attractive, exclusive or predominant, towards people of the same sex. It is manifested in very different forms over the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Building on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as grave depravity, tradition has always declared that 'acts of homosexuality are intrinsically disordered ". They are contrary to natural law. Prevent the sexual act from the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances they can be approved.] (A more complete collection of condemnations of homosexuality by the Catholic Church can be found in the post

http://nonsologay.blogspot.com/2007/12/omo...ie-chiesa.html ).

A gay boy in confessional has two problems, one is the masturbation (common toheterosexual boys) and the other is homosexuality. The vast majority of gay boys consider his homosexuality as something natural that so simply and sincerely not consider it as sin and continues to admit only "impure acts" without any specification. When randomly, in confessional emerges in the theme of homosexuality, responses on the part of priests, although in theory all convictions, are actually variously flexible. Even here, probably the idea that a drastic attitude would definitively detach gay boys from the Church, has a not negligible signification.

The real moment of crisis between a gay boy and the Church occurs when the boy comes to discover that the Church expects from him total chastity [art. 2359 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church]. That means that a homosexual to remain in the church must radically deny himself because the Church considers homosexuality "serious depravity", "baleful consequence of a refusal of God", "lack of normal sexual development", "pathological constitution", "conduct intrinsically bad from the moral point of view "(see the post above). What options are possible for a gay guy? He may or try to fully repress himself to comply with what the Church calls, with destructive results in the long term, or play on an endless series of false repentance and relapses as in the case of masturbation, or he could avoid at all reconciling what by definition and irreconcilable. Often boys try the first way, feel it unrealistic, reject the hypocrisy of the second way and finally come to the third, with the definitive separation from the Church and the final storage of the senses of guilt.

You can’t talk about masturbation without mentioning two important issues that are closely linked to it: pornography and masturbation fantasies.

Often masturbation is linked to search for pictures or video content explicitly sexual. The thing itself is not negative, if the guys that make use of pictures or videos for masturbating do so with the knowledge that it’s a fiction, not reality. See video porn generally doesn’t upset boys, but when the thing is loaded with too many valences in replacement for a real poor affectivity, pornography can be experienced as a model of sexuality. Of course these things will not happen if kids who use pornography for masturbating are ripe in emotional terms, but when it comes to very young or not ripe boys, pornographic model is likely to be internalized as a model of real life, which can produce many influences of which it’s difficult to get rid, the first of which the idea of sexuality as "performance".

The sexual arousal that leads to masturbation in most cases is not derived from pornography but by the so-called masturbation fantasies. Masturbation fantasies are fantastic reconstructions of situations considered to be particularly exciting in sexual terms. In the vast majority of cases the masturbation fantasies doesn’t come from pornography but from images of real erotic situations also very distant in time well imprinted in the mind. The masturbatory fantasies usually change very little during life and are the archetypes and units of measurement of sexuality in the sense that a sexual content of real life is often considered more or less sexually exciting according to the compliance with the model represented by masturbatory fantasies. Masturbatory fantasy being a manifestation of absolutely free sexuality of a boy, is strongly indicative of dip sexual orientation of that boy. In some cases the masturbatory fantasies doesn’t keep stable all lifelong but instead change their content more or less rapidly. Approximately one quarter of guys who end up considered definitively gay have lived in advance stages of heterosexuality, which lasted years, with a true heterosexual sexuality. These guys experienced the first elements of emerging gay sexuality from the drifting in gay direction of masturbatory fantasies. However, there are guys that, at least for some periods of their lives, masturbate with both heterosexual and homosexual erotic fantasies. Normally these things are transitory and sexuality ends to go spontaneously toward gay or hetero orientation. [I can't to masturbate any more thinking of a girl]. Sometimes masturbatory fantasies may be upset as a result of traumatic sex events. When masturbatory fantasies change over the years, usually start as heterosexual fantasies and become gay fantasies (the opposite is in fact very rare, I have personally seen only one example) and represent the emerging of deep sexuality repressed from education, from environmental situations or negative experiences. The repression of masturbatory fantasies by a boy is a sign of discomfort, low self-esteem and psychological dependence.

GAY OR NOT GAY

As it’s obvious, the successive stages of sexual development involve a complex psychological development that leads to adulthood. But let's go step by step.

During pre-adolescence, sexual curiosity of boys is very strong. The period from sixth to eighth grades. (11-13 y. o.) represents a delicate moment of psycho-sexual development of a boy. At about 13 y. o., and sometimes 12, the interest of the boys for the male sexual organ increases significantly in relation to their sexual development. It is the age of the comparisons, they want to see the penis of other boys, both same age and older. It is the age of "if you show me yours I’ll show you mine".

All this has nothing to do with homosexuality. Comparisons help boys to assess their sexual development over time and help them feel in a category of normality. However, there are gay boys who experience for the first time their sexual orientation in these occasions because they realize that they live it differently from other boys, that for them it’s not only a moment of confrontation but a true satisfaction of sexual desire.

For boys gay sexuality becomes so often embarrassing, at 14/15/16 y. o. the erection becomes a problem not easy to manage. In situations where other kids do not have an erection, a gay boy not only has but he cannot control it. His excitement is visible in situations where the other boys do not stir. The masturbation of a gay boy, as I said earlier, is done using typically gay fantasies, sexual content linked to the nakedness of other boys that deeply imprints in the memory of a gay boy, what heterosexual boys is not the case, a gay boy realizes that talking about girls stirs the other boys and doesn’t stir him at all.

I won’t touch here the problem of boys who have at this age their first heterosexual relationships and then discover themselves to be gay at distance of years, I will stop instead on boys living in this age, very early , their first sexual gay contact and this is not a small minority.

The first concept to keep in mind to consider adult sexual behavior is linked to the "performance". Let me explain better, often, even among fully adult people the idea of performance ends up dominating the sexual relationship. Performance means to show that you are up to the situation and you are able to do something that is valued only like performance. In the language of adolescents, performance means "being adult" or better "demonstrate that you are adult." Who cares to prove to be adult obviously is not and needs a very elementary vision of sexuality, such as "technical", which is much easier to confront. Older guys 18/19 y. o. and over, usually have a clear idea of sexuality as a emotional contact and not as performance, they fall in love in the truest sense of the word and seeking essentially a deep emotional contact with guys they love, because they really love them. Younger boys, or are already on this line and then are emotionally already adults, or tend to move across sexuality in terms of performance.

I often talk to young boys, aged 16 years or less, which literally "boast" of their sexual performances and are self-considered adults for that sexual performances. I listen often in chat to young guys, even very serious guys, that over the idea of performance know nothing else, boys who consider only "what they do" at sexual level and not with whom or why. In some cases boys who consider themselves gay because they assume their sexual behavior as a typical gay behavior, even if they are completely wrong, reveal incredible inconsistencies. For example: a very young boy, who dealt with a very cavalier attitude every type of sexual practice, refused to kiss the boy with whom he had sexual intercourse, and reacted aggressively to forms of attention from his companion, considered by him not virile things coming substantially from a weak person. These behaviors are obviously immature. Guys (usually older) that are involved with these young boys in a sexual relationship, at the beginning feel satisfied because for them the path to sexual intercourse is facilitated and it’s even possible to get there in the same day in which they know each other, but then, slowly, older guys realize that something isn’t working well and that the center of the relationship consists of the sexual performance, of doing this or that. In other words a older boy realizes the emotional immaturity of his companion and suffers greatly, feels finally unpleasantly the same strong sexual character of the relationship that had initially seemed very gratifying and, even worse, understands the unreliability of his companion who is looking for experiences more than for a person.

It should be borne in mind that he real sex education is essentially affective education and that a boy will live well if his sexuality has reached a generally satisfactory emotional condition. To promote the emotional growth of gay boys we can do many things:

1) Demythologize sexuality avoiding representing it as something intended to shock and prohibited but talking about it as a reality of ordinary life of all persons.

2) Speaking of sexuality in the easiest and most direct possible way, with sincerity and without taking roles in order to help boys understand really what this is all about and grow from the emotional point of view.

3) AVOID EVERY SEX DOGMATHIC namely avoid creating false categories and defining a rigid sexual behavior, in this sense should bear in mind that you must:

a) point out that gay, bisexual and heterosexual are exclusively models of sexual behavior that make sense only if they are seen as elastic ideas and general guidance in the sense that many people cannot be classified in any of these categories because in the sexuality individual variability is very strong and fundamental;

b) set aside the most absolute way the catalogues of sexual behavior, that is avoid to define in the most absolute way which conduct is heterosexual and which gay, both in terms of sexual behavior and in terms of more general affectivity;

c) avoid to underline problems and aim mainly to clear up false problems that generate unnecessary anxiety, insisting on the idea that real sex life of gay people has in the vast majority of cases very little standards. Experience shows that in many cases the boys are taken from anxiety basically for non-existent problems or small problems, common to many boys, and that vanish with the psycho-sexual development.
______________

If you like, you can participate to the discussion on this post opened on GAY PROJECT FORUM – ENGLISH: 

http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=28

GAY GUYS ESCAPING HOMOSEXUALITY AND HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE CAGE

JUST A FEW GAY THOUGHTS

In the life of many guys there is at some point something new and unexpected that arouses curiosity and sometimes disturbance. These are small things that can occur in different ways depending on age of the guy and his previous sexual experiences, but it’s essential to understand the scope and meaning of these things. I’ll list here only for some examples the most typical situations:

1) LOVING FRIENDSHIP - "I know instinctively that I need the physical presence of this friend of mine, I am happy when he’s close to me and I’m sad when he's not, I wait to review him, his voice is printed in my brain, between us there is a total confidence, we say all to each other, for him I would do anything, when he’s not close to me I need him, when he calls me on the phone my heart beats very strong and I’m anxious, I would spend with him all time, when I see him with a girl I’m jealous, and even when I see him speaking with another guy." These expressions commonly interpreted as forms of simple friendship show the establishment of a veiled form of love that apparently has no outside of sexual connotation and very often doesn’t present any conscious sexual connotations even for the guy who lives the loving friendship. This is a highly emotional involvement, which should not be underestimated by the mere fact that it doesn’t show immediately any sexual connotation. It should be borne in mind that the experience of a starting dip love by a gay guy is based on continuity between emotions and sexuality.

2) INVOLUNTARY SEXUAL REACTIONS. Some examples:

a) A beautiful boy just walked by, I turned my head to watch and I was feeling horny but I kept it under control.

b) I spend a lot of time in the locker room to watch a friend of mine who gets undressed and I’m curious to see his dick.

c) I was sitting in the car to talk to a guy, we were alone, and at some point I felt horny.

d) Hour hands just touched for a moment and I felt like a thrill, a kind of electric shock and wanted it to happen again. e) I saw on the street two guys hand in hand and I felt a shiver. f) I saw on the ground a gay porno magazine and I felt horny.

3) VOLUNTARY SEXUAL BEHAVIOURS. Some examples:

a) When we went into school trip I have done everything to get settled in a room with him because I wanted to see him at least in his briefs.

b) In the gym I learned by heart its timetable because I don’t want to miss the moment when he strips.

c) I tried to talk him sexually to see him horny.

d) I deliberately fondled his hair.

e) During the match I felt on him and for a moment I put my hand there. f) I’m always thinking about him and whatever I’d do to him. So at least in the imagination I do very much sex with him. I like him because when I think about him this way I feel horny and I like it when it happens.

g) I jerk off thinking about him; in practice I’m addicted to that.

These things often happen to guys who have a girl and even to guys that have a regular sex life with their girlfriends. The underestimation of the indicative elements that we just reported is extremely common among boys, who are led by environmental pressures, family and religion to credit in themselves the idea of being heterosexual. This way the gay thoughts, that could be outcrop, are removed or more often devalued with attitudes that can be roughly summed up in phrases like:

a) It only happens when she isn’t close to me.

b) It happens only sometimes.

c) I take such thoughts easily under control.
d) Yes, it happens, but I don’t feel conditioned at all.

e) It’s a kind of game, basically for me those things are not very important.

f) Well, it happened, but I’m not gay, I feel I’m not!

g) Well, but it doesn’t matter!

The devaluation of gay content corroborates the guy in his presumption of heterosexuality and starts another mechanism to procure additional confirmation through the exercise of heterosexual sexuality. The boy who is trying to submerge his emerging homosexuality tries to exorcize it in various ways:

1) He starts or intensifies heterosexual involvement focused mainly on sexual dimension. "I got a girl and we do everything."

2) He gives his heterosexual involvement, as it’s possible, a public dimension to show widely his heterosexual live: you see him around with the girl, he takes pictures with her and put the photos on the net, he speaks often about her with his friends.

3) He systematically fails to mention to her his homosexual fantasies.

4) He begins to live his sexuality on two different levels: one, heterosexual, based on external heterosexual relationships and social life and another much more private, homosexual, based on masturbation. Clearly the guy who flees from his gay identity tends to validate the meaning of his heterosexual relationships and to devalue masturbation as something absolutely marginal, precisely because characterized by gay masturbation fantasies.

A gay who behaves as we just described is not heterosexual because he doesn’t love a girl looking to her good and her future but he only uses her, more or less consciously, in order to cover his own homosexuality.

The discovery of their own homosexuality for many guys is something traumatic for cultural reasons and following assimilation of prohibitions and preconceptions of various kinds. These prohibitions and these preconceptions are absolutely senseless; nevertheless such things make the boy who discovers he’s gay, feel like breaking a taboo. The reactions sometimes can also be heavily negative, if the demonization of homosexuality is not only due to social origin but comes from some personal traumatic or unpleasant experience. I’ll try to summarize below some expressions identifying the shock of a guy facing the need to be aware of being gay:

1) I am gay! No! My God! I dislike it at all, I always had a girl, I always liked women, and I’d never be gay!

2) Where I live people are stupid and bad, how can I be gay here? It's impossible!

3) I’m gay like that bastard guy I told you before? No! Better I kill me!

GAY GUYS AND ETHEROSEXUAL TRAP

The gay guys, to escape their homosexuality take refuge in the heterosexuality that is not their true sexual orientation, starting from the premise that heterosexual relationships in which they board are a kind of experiment from which you can exit how and when you want. The assumption is nonetheless very far from reality and the gay guy realizes easily that he entered a situation much more complicated than he thought which involves not only the girl, but her parents and the entire surrounding social environment. In a socially backward, in which the emotional problems of daughters are experienced as a family affair whose natural outlet is marriage, a gay guy who was hiding himself in heterosexuality feels that he is in a sort of golden cage from which it’s very difficult to escape due to a complex interplay of projections and expectations also by the family of the gay guy himself. When a gay guy feels that the golden cage is closing on him, he realizes that he’s going to face two alternative options:

1) Break the engagement, causing many and serious reactions from the girl, her parents and gay guys family itself (if parents are unaware that their son is gay or they are unable to understand).

2) Go ahead despite everything, with the inevitable prospect of marriage. This helps avoids short term problems nevertheless leads to situations without exit, where the gay guy in expected to pretend being heterosexual for a lifetime, accepting the marriage sex life that for a gay guy is certainly unnatural. This way the homosexuality will emerge after marriage with unpredictable and traumatic outcomes.

OPERATIONAL ADVICE

In conclusion what can I advise guys who experience indicative elements of their homosexuality? The answer can be summarized as follows:

1) Do not underestimate the elements that make you think you are gay. 2) Remember that beyond the prejudices and ignorance, being gay is something high and noble and should be lived with dignity, without ever lowering his head in front of anyone. Homosexuality is one of the ways of living human sexuality and for gay people happiness is a possible condition. For that condition of happiness you have to fight strenuously.

3) If you don’t feel really heterosexual do not commit in heterosexual relationships that will be for you only a trap.
______________

If you like, you can participate to the discussion on this post opened on GAY PROJECT FORUM – ENGLISH:
http://progettogayforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=119&start=0

INTERNATIONAL GAY PROJECT FORUM

Dear Friends,
The blog you are reading is one of Gay Project Blogs (three blogs in Italian and this one in English).
I’m going to summarize in a very shot abstract what Gay Project is, how it started and how it developed. The 31/8/2007 gayproject opened the first gay themed blog: PROGETTO GAY (GAY PROJECT) http://progettogay.myblog.it/ a “serious” gay blog that has no political or commercial purpose, but has two specific purposes: a) to promote a dialogue and a serious discussion between gay people, b) to promote a real knowledge about the “real gay world” (invisible, a thousand miles away from the media).
For these purposes, GAY PROJECT blog, published: a) posts that are documents of real gay life, only exceptionally with very limited modifications (to reduce them to an acceptable size for a post and to eliminate references to strictly personal facts or real people); b) posts are only about relevant subjects for gay-live. To date, GAY PROJECT published over 600 posts in Italian. Our Readers added more than 700 comments, many of which are extremely significant. In the early days of September 2007, gayproject opened two other blogs: STORIE GAY http://nonsologay.blogspot.com/ and STORIE GAY E NON SOLO http://storiegay.spaces.live.com these two blogs are essentially two clones of Progetto Gay but on different platforms, created in order to enlarge the visibility. Slowly and progressively around the blog Progetto Gay was created a group of people who, after having commented several times the blog, exchanged their msn contacts with gayproject and subsequently asked to exchange their contacts with other Progetto Gay users. Today there is in fact, a quite informal, but precisely for this very serious group of Gay Project users who know one another, talking with each other frequently chatting and having close friendship, these people, who affectionately gayproject calls blog-boys, are THE REAL GAY PROJECT HEART. Gayproject, after many uncertainties, has finally decided to open a true forum on the platform of forumfree: http://progettogay.forumfree.net/. This new forum entitled "FORUM PROGETTO GAY (GAY PROJECT FORUM)" is a very sophisticated instrument, which offers huge possibilities in terms of flexibility and visibility. Everyone can start new discussions and post comments to those already under way, everyone can propose polls. So the possibilities are enormous.
Let me say that this Gay Project forum is becoming just a great thing and is taken very seriously here in Italy. A forum of this kind was actually my secret dream ... Here the space is all for you, here you have full right of initiative, your presence here is not possible but essential. Thanks boys! The project is growing and the image of gay world that comes out it is high, full of dignity. The Gay Project Forum is a faithful portrait of what real gay guys are: real boys, full of desire to live and to love, true and deep feelings. Gay does all this!
I just started a new section of Progetto Gay Forum. Are you a gay guy who speaks English? If you are interested to let us know your experience and to know how gay guys from other countries live their being gay, please, check the Forum and open a new debate in the English language section of this forum: "Gay Project Forum". Gay Project Forum launches today a new initiative given to all gay guys who speak English or who currently use the English language aimed at creating (if possible) a dialogue between gay guys from different countries to allow each of us to understand how gay reality is experienced in the world. The subjects of Gay Project Forum are: parents and gay teens, gay orientation for young people, to realize that you are gay, coming out, true gay stories, gay discomfort, gay guys, gay and sex, gay couples, if a woman loves a gay, older gay men, how heterosexuals see gay people, gay themed movies, gay and music, our Gay Project. We are waiting for you!